When the Holidays Hurt
How to Support Ourselves and Others Through Grief
For many, the holiday season is full of light, tradition, and connection. But for countless of us this time of year can be painful, lonely, or overwhelming. The pressure to feel “joyful” can intensify grief. Memories surface. Empty chairs feel heavier. Expectations stretch our capacity.
At VAMHAR, we hold space for the truth:
Joy and grief often travel together. And no one should navigate loss alone.
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Understanding Holiday Grief
Grief is not linear. It doesn’t follow a calendar. And it often deepens during moments that are meant to be celebratory.
For many who are grieving losses tied to substance use and complex health challenges, there are additional layers to carry:
Stigma that makes conversations about their loved one harder and fear of judgment when seeking support
Complicated emotions: guilt, confusion, anger, relief, longing
Fewer culturally recognized spaces to honor this kind of loss
Your loss is real. Your grief is valid. Your story belongs.
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Supporting Yourself: What Helps When Everything Feels Tender
Give yourself permission - You do not have to perform cheerfulness. You may celebrate, decline invitations, cry, laugh, or change your plans at the last minute. All of it is allowed.
Create a boundary plan
If certain events or conversations feel unsafe or draining, it’s okay to step back. A few simple scripts:
“I’m taking things one day at a time this season. I may not make it to everything, but I appreciate your understanding.”
“I’m focusing on rest this season, so I’ll need to skip this one. Please know it means a lot that you invited me.”
“Small moments feel easier for me right now. Can we plan something low-key?”
“I’m not sure how I’ll feel day-to-day, so I may play things by ear. Thank you for being flexible.”
Honor your loved one in small ways
Light a candle
Make their favorite meal
Share a memory with someone who gets it
Volunteer or donate in their name
Build a comfort menu
Identify a few grounding practices you can reach for:
Slow walks
A warm drink ritual
Breathwork or mindfulness
Calling someone safe
A quiet hour without expectations
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Supporting Others: Showing Up With Compassion
Grief can isolate people — especially when the loss is tied to stigma. You can make the difference.
Say their loved one’s name.
“That must be really hard. I’m thinking of Alex with you.”
Don’t problem-solve. Witness.
People don’t need quick fixes; they need presence.
Try: “I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Offer specific support
Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try:
“Can I drop off soup?”
“Want company for a walk?”
“Would you like help creating a ritual for the holidays?”
Normalize their grief
Remind them there is no “right” timeline — and no shame in the complexity of loss associated with substance use.
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Talking With Children and Teens About Holiday Grief
Young people notice more than we think. They deserve honest, age-appropriate conversations.
Helpful approaches:
Let them ask questions, even the hard ones
Use clear language about death — avoiding euphemisms
Share that grief shows up differently for everyone
Reassure them it’s okay to feel sad, mad, confused, or still want to enjoy the season
If substance use was involved, frame it without blame and with facts that reduce shame.
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Harm Reduction Lens: Holding Both Loss and Prevention
As we honor those lost to overdose (drug poisoning), we also reaffirm our commitment to keeping people alive, connected, and supported.
This season, consider:
Carrying naloxone
Learning how to respond to an overdose
Supporting Vermont’s harm reduction organizations
Having compassionate, honest conversations about substance use
Grief and prevention are intertwined. When we reduce shame, we save lives.
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You Are Not Alone
The holidays can bring both brightness and heaviness. Whatever this season holds for you, VAMHAR sees you.
We honor your grief, your survival, your love, and your courage.
May you find moments of rest, connection, and tenderness - and may you feel held by a community that cares.