Finding Healing through Stories

Chloe’s Journey

Surviving Addiction, Embracing Identity, and Reclaiming Life

I had a somewhat normal childhood. I grew up in a small off the beaten path town called Glen Rock Pennsylvania. I did notice something was different about me but couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I started lashing out at the age of twelve because my world had crumbled with the separation and later divorce of my parents. I spent most of my time alone in a log house in the woods. My older brother wasn’t home much with him having his license, so I was left on my own to basically take care of myself.

I am a Gen X kid, so this was normal and common during this period. At age fourteen my older brother asked me to go riding around with him and his best friend. As they were four and five years older than me, of course I was going to go. That night my brother gave me my first alcoholic drink. I had never felt so good as I did that night. It only took one, but I instantly knew that I liked this feeling.

From that night on I would do what I could to get alcohol as I was craving that feeling of belonging and escaping the world. This continued throughout my High School career and had gotten much worse. I was detained by the police at age fifteen for being out past curfew and underage drinking. At sixteen my addiction only became more intense as my friend and I were able to get served at a local bar. We spent almost every night driving the back roads getting drunk and smoking weed. I ended up blacking out after a field party one night in front of my father. He was not happy when he found out what I was doing and grounded me for a month as well took away my car. My addiction continued to progress, and I let my schoolwork go and life go by itself. I failed my senior year of high school and had to go to summer school as well as do three correspondence courses to get my diploma.

I bought a brand new 1996 Toyota Tacoma and ended up wrecking it one night while drinking a driving hitting a fire hydrant. My uncle at the time was the chief of the fire department and he was able to smooth things over with the police so I wouldn’t incur any further consequences. At this point I should’ve realized there was a problem with my substance use, however it became a friend who comforted me. I found myself struggling to figure out who I was and had an argument with a girlfriend at the time and went to the recruiting office and joined the U.S. Navy.

Obviously, I was alcohol free in basic training however the moment I hit A School in Meridan Mississippi I found the local bar and it was on all over again. My buddy from basic and A School became drinking buddies. We went to the places that were “off limits” from the navy’s point of view and drank until we were so intoxicated we could barely walk. We never got caught so we continued to push our luck. I was then sent packing to the U.S.S. Enterprise CVN65 as my duty station. They were already deployed and out at see so I had to land on the ship and get to work in my department. We only got to port at one place which was Dabalii in a fenced area and all there was to do there was dink and eat. So, we drank. We drank a lot.

We came back to the states, to Norfolk, VA. This was a green light to continue drinking. One night after being out with friends and drinking I decided to go back to Pennsylvania. I ended up falling asleep behind the wheel and hit a tree head on doing 80 mph. I walked away but was cut and bruised and had to go back to the ship. Once at the ship I went to medical to get looked at and I was being asked a lot of questions regarding my drinking which later sent me to get evaluated by a psychiatrist who ended up referring me to an in patient facility for thirty days as well as three AA meetings off the ship per week and three AA meetings on board the ship per week.

I refused. By doing so I was disobeying a direct order and was sent to Captains Mass. I said some awful things to the captain of the ship and walked out of that session in handcuffs sentenced to do thirty days in the Brigg on the ship. It wasn’t fun. I was still required to go to treatment after my incarceration but instead I fled the stated and went back to Pennsylvania.

I turned myself in after thirty-four days being AWOL, technically a deserter, and was sent to be court marshaled. During my hearing I was sentenced to another thirty days in the Brigg and was discharged from the Navy with an Other Than Honorable discharge. I left the ship and went back to the life I had before I even went into the Navy.

It was a train wreck to say the least. I went back to work and continued to drink my way through life and then one day thought to myself how can I make some easy money? I started selling drugs. I became a drug dealer. My life in shambles, with no direction and feeling depressed, I tried to end my life via suicide. I continued battling throughout life with depressive episodes and 4 other suicide attempts, one being a loaded firearm with no safety and pulling the trigger to hear a click. The round didn’t go off. I was still alive and even more depressed because I couldn’t even do that right! Turns out I recorded this event and found it on the cloud many years later.

I was married for almost seventeen years and had a stepson, and two biological sons. They grew up fighting over who was able to get and pour me a drink and I thought at the time this was cool. I ended up getting more into my active addiction to substances, getting drunk every night into a blackout state and smoking weed. My kids were asking me not to drink that night because I became a monster when I drank. I was verbally and mentally abusive to my family. I was sick.

In 2019 I came out to my wife and kids as a Transgender Female. I had to be drunk just to muster up the courage to tell them. My wife and the kids left that weekend and my relationship with them was over. I was all alone, so I drank myself to sleep every night.

One night in June 2019 I decided to go to the bar to eat. The kitchen was closed so I stayed and drank and was so intoxicated they cut me off at the bar and I had to leave. I hoped in my truck and while driving blacked out. I hit something and just my luck there was a police officer that just happened to be sitting there and heard the whole thing. He pulled up and I was arrested for DUI. This was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. I sat in jail for a few hours, and my mom came and picked me up. That was the last time I have ever drank an alcoholic beverage or put any substances in my body. I credit that officer for taking the time to talk to me while saving my life.

I ended up going to Tennessee and stayed for 45 days where I was taught to stay sober. I worked with an amazing counselor who guided me on the path to working in the recovery field. I started working in Pennsylvania at a treatment facility and was promoted to supervisor after a little over 4 months. I quickly found that I was still struggling with depression and anger issues and that is when I was introduced to a 12-step program that made me feel like I belonged. I have found my people. I was accepted as I was. I continued my path of working in recovery and became a Certified Recovery Specialist for the State of Pennsylvania. I enrolled in college to get my degree in Psychology with the ambitions to one day open my own non-profit organization to help those in need who can’t afford the services that they need.

I have taken a break from school for the time being as I needed some time to settle in my new location in Vermont. I moved to Vermont in March of 2023. I ended up working at some places that specialize in recovery here in Vermont as well as in Massachusetts. I found my current employer through an ad on indeed and was interviewed and hired. I work for the Divided Sky Foundation. A non-profit company that helps those seeking recovery. I gained my Vermont Certified Recovery Coach Certification in April of 2024 as part of my continuation of focus on working in recovery.

I am still working on getting my degree and getting back into school. I work a 12 step program and I have a sponsor and I sponsor one person. I have found my calling in life helping those in need to get sober. I tell people when they ask what I do for work that I have the best job in the world because I get to watch people come back to life every day. I have been blessed with amazing gifts. One being my life, two my job, and three all the relationships I have built in my sobriety and helping those seeking recovery.

— Chloe Wagner